Prioritize compatibility.
Individuals on the autism spectrum will face unique relationship challenges.
For you to move forward and be capable of having functional romantic relationships as a person on the autism spectrum, the first step is acceptance; you have to accept that an ordinary life is a lie. Not attainable. Not happening. Differences in social interactions that autistic people have in comparison with neurotypical people set the context for this. What is considered “normal” social behaviour within the autism society is different than what’s popular.
For the purpose of this article, I am going to flip the narrative and briefly look at neurotypicality in relationships from the perspective of the minority; individuals on the autism spectrum. For a minute I am going to do this so I can flog how important it is to view compatibility as a very important factor when choosing a romantic partner as a person on the autism spectrum.
Relationships are not like two OPPOSITE ends that attract. In real life, we are more attracted to people that share similar views, similar politics, similar personalities than the other way around. Iron sharpens iron…
Opposing personalities have benefits such as, I can’t think of anything. Whereas, two autistic people or two non-autistic people are better suited as romantic partners because the similarity in views and values make it easier to form and sustain meaningful and happy relationships.
Let’s explore possible upsides of compromising when it comes to dating as a person on the autism spectrum:
Broadened Dating Pool: Compromising means you have a wider dating pool, you can meet and form bonds with a range of potential partners that would offer different relationship dynamics. Variety. Yay…
Now, here’s real downsides of compromising:
You are going to sacrifice your authenticity: One of the nicest things autistic people would typically look forward to when dating is that they finally have their person who they can be themselves around, there’s no need to mask… You lose that when you have to be with someone who is more different than you than alike. Summary is if you compromise a bit too much on values, you would sacrifice your authenticity in a place that’s supposed to be your safe place.
Increased anxiety: You are constantly worrying if you are being a good partner when you find yourself reacting to situations the normal ways autistic people are meant to. The emotional strain and constant arguments would be especially hard on your emotional health.
Discontent: Another word. Resentment. One day you’re going to be sitting in a corner with your eyebrows scrunched doing hard mental math on all the ways you have disregarded your own needs and happiness to make your partner happy and when you start to do the math of instances where the reverse has been the case, yeah, you’re going to be a bit pissed. Resentment is not a great pointer at a relationship that is going to be stable and long-term.
Boundaries. Or the lack of them: If you compromised, they probably now have certain expectations of you, and perhaps rightfully too, because you are masking and they believe certain behaviour they would prefer to see would come naturally to you. There would be a lot of misunderstandings.
The decision to compromise when choosing romantic partners is individual. While compromise may lead to a stronger connection, it is important to maintain balance so you have a situation where you can still keep your authenticity and self-respect.
Autistic individuals should consider several factors to ensure compatibility and a healthy relationship:
- Your partner should have a deep and appreciative understanding of autism, they should also be willing to learn more about your unique challenges and your communication preferences.
- Only try to make things work with a partner who accepts you for who you are, and is committed to protecting you and treating you with respect and kindness.
- Settle only for a partner who is patient, clear-headed and open-minded in their communication.
- Your partner has to be respectful of all your sensitivities, your boundaries, the small things that could put you in a mood, your partner must like you very much and must continuously pay attention.
- It’s great if you have a partner who likes a lot of the things you also like.
- Choose a partner who is flexible, stay far away from people who are very rigid about everything, you would both stay stressed out haha.
- Accept a partner who has strong communication and conflict resolution skills. There will be disagreements, there will always be new and fresh situations that demand flexibility and you need to be sure they are willing to work collaboratively to resolve issues in a respectful and constructive manner.
- There’s the possibility you’re going to have one or more autistic children, if you both choose to have children. It would be important to be sure your wingman in parenting is a kind person who easily communicates in clear, straightforward ways.
- Your partner has to be your number one protector.
Relationships are complex no matter who’s in them. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get lucky meeting the right person immediately. Not everyone who is nice to you is flirting with you. Find lessons where they present themselves too. And ALWAYS look out for yourself.